Tips for Single Black Women Depressed During the Holiday Season

As a Black millennial-aged woman who has spent the last 11 holiday and new year seasons alone, I know this time of year can be super depressing for many. Nothing like this time of the year (besides Valentine’s Day) reminds you of how lonely you are. Maybe you just went through a break-up, you believe you will never meet the right person and get married, or you never imagined yourself being 30 plus and single still. Single still as you enter yet another new year. I know I have experienced these thoughts, feelings, and more as a single woman. The holidays tend to cause my depression and anxiety to increase where I find myself staying in bed all day and watching YouTube. I have no motivation or deserve to do anything. I have the attitude of what’s the point. Nothing is ever going to change. (To be honest, other things make me depressed beyond being single, but singlehood usually is at the top of my list during the end of the year.)

Beyond this time of year feeling never-ending or like déjà vu, I hate that I am still not even close to a relationship. This year, I had reached such a dark place that I decided to do something about my mental health. I knew staying in bed all day, sleeping the day away, and not showering were unhealthy ways to address my depression. As much as I hate my life or hate being single for over a decade, I did not want my story (life) to end here. I did not want to spend another holiday season or go into another new year thinking negatively about myself because I could not get into a relationship. I want to have consistent faith and belief that God has not forgotten about me. I want to live. I want to heal. 

There is a very dark and unhappy side to being single that we often do not talk about with ourselves. You do not want to admit to yourself, you are that Black millennial-aged woman who cannot get or keep a man. But until you talk about it, get real with yourself, you cannot heal. And I do not mean retail therapy, drinking or partying your pain away, hurting the person back, ignoring your pain altogether or trash talking your ex/situationship on social media or with your friends when I say heal. Iyanla Vanzant has one of the best explanations for healing. She states healing is a process, and it is a choice. You will begin to heal when you trust the healing process as much as you trust the pain in your life. Sadly, life has taught us to be comfortable with pain rather than heal. Pain is the norm to most of us, while healing is unheard of. To learn more on Iyanla Vanzant’s tips to heal, check out this YouTube video and her book entitled Get Over It! Thought Therapy for Healing the Hard Stuff. 

Today I am sharing a few self-help tips to kick off your healing journey and decrease your depression this holiday season as we head into the new year. I hope that at least one of these suggestions will be helpful for you. The healing process looks different for everyone, so only use the tips that uniquely help you. The advice that works for you adds it to your healing toolkit. It is essential to have different tools to treat your mental health because some days a tool will decrease your mental health, and others it may not. Your depression can constantly change because depression affects how you feel, think, and handle life tasks daily. Meet your depression where it is at that moment.

Throughout your journey, always remember to be patient, kind, and flexible with yourself. It is ok not to be ok. Healing is not a race. It is a process. With all of the healing tips, try disconnecting from your phone and give yourself your undivided attention, care, love, and support. You deserve it. You deserve you time. You deserve to heal. Single for the holidays and the new year is not your final destination. It is a pit stop no matter how long you have been single. 

1. Stop Sleeping in Your Bed

Hear me out. Sleeping alone in your bed could be increasing your depression. A bed or bedroom is a constant reminder of the space you used to share with your partner or the lack of having anyone to cuddle with at night. For a night, week, or however long you need, try sleeping on the floor, couch, another room, or wherever will bring peace to your body from head to toe. Make this new temporary sleeping arrangement special by turning it into an at-home movie date night for yourself. Put on your favorites PJs and movie (preferably not a romantic movie if it will strengthen your depression). Make your favorite foods or snacks, but not food that will cause you to eat emotionally. Same for wine and liquor. If you know the wine will do more harm than good for your mental health, substitute for tea, water, or a smoothie instead. Remember, you want to break (unlearn) habits that make you trust the pain in your life rather than the healing process. The way you would go all out for a date night with your boyfriend, you must give that same energy with yourself first and foremost. 

2. All Lavender Everything!

According to WebMD, lavender is a plant that contains an oil that can have calming effects and relax certain muscles. Lavender is often used to help relieve depression, anxiety, stress, insomnia, pain, and other health conditions. I am a big fan of lavender and use it in many ways. I have included three lavender support tools for you to try. If you do not know how to add lavender to your day, notice the moments throughout the day you feel most depressed or anxious. Those moments are a great time to try one of the lavender tools below. My lavender suggestions do not take much effort at all to use. Like many, when I am depressed, it is hard to do everything. The below forms of lavender usage I am sharing required little effort and can quickly bring relief to your mental health. 

Lavender Pillow Mist helps relax your mind when it is time for sleep. You spray it directly to your pillows and bed linens to help you wind down. Keep this product on your nightstand. 

Lavender Roll-On essential oil supports your mental health and stress whether you are on the go or at home. You can roll the lavender right onto your skin. Or hold the lavender up to your nose and take a few deep breaths. This roll-on lavender can fit right in your handbag or on your nightstand.

Lavender Shower Mist adds aromatherapy to your shower in seconds. This mist helps to rejuvenate your mind and body. Keep this shower mist in your shower to have easy access to this product. 

3.  Stretching 

When you are mentally not in the best space, you tend to hold a lot of tension in your body. Stress is a silent killer. Whether when you first wake up or during those moments, you feel depression taking over your body, pause and take a minute to do some light stretching. Even if you are sitting on your bed, the floor, or the chair at your work desk, you can complete the following exercises for around 10 seconds each: lift your arms straight above your head reaching for the ceiling, stretch your arms across your body horizontally, or press the back of your fingers against a hard surface to stretch your fingers and wrists. Also, roll your neck around in a circle a few times and then hold the position. While performing these light stretches, relax your mind, eyes, jaw, lips, and checks by relaxing your entire face. Do not forget to breathe in and out. Holding your breath can only increase your tension. Repeat the stretching as much as you need. 

4. ASMR

This suggestion will not be everyone but try to be open-minded, sis. ASMR stands for  Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response. Simply put, ASMR can help you relax and sleep. ASMR videos can be found on various social media platforms. When I first learned about ASMR in 2018, I was like, wtf is this, to be completely honest. It is one of my favorite types of content to watch on YouTube now because it helps me relax, go to sleep, stops me from overthinking, encourages me, improves my mental health, and makes me feel less alone. There are many different types of ASMR videos and channels, resulting in it possibly taking you a few tries to find the type of ASMR that works best for you. When and if you do, add ASMR to your healing toolkit. My favorite type of ASMR is personal attention. If you are interested in learning more about ASMR, I have included three of my favorite ASMR channels for you to check out. 

https://youtube.com/c/KOASMR 

https://youtube.com/c/GibiASMR

https://youtube.com/c/ASMRDarling1

You have successfully learned four self-help tools to reduce your depression during the holiday season and for entering into a new year. Be proud of yourself for taking this step along your healing journey. From today on, choose the healing process over the pain being single can cause. You will not be single forever. I do not know when your right relationship with come (because we do not want any relationship, sis). I do know you have the power to heal. You have already survived 100% of your worst days, Queen. Your future self will thank you for the hard healing work you put in and your vulnerability during your journey to become your best you. 

Happy Holidays and New Year. Share your favorite part of this blog with me on Twitter. 

Some links in this post are affiliate links. I will receive a commission if you purchase through my link to the product/store. There is no extra cost to you, nor will I receive any of your personal information. 

All pictures in this post are from Canva. All graphics were created by Ness Monét. 

Last updated: 12/29/21