How to Improve your self-love as a Single Black Woman in 2022
Happy New Year, and welcome to 2022. If I am honest, my new year did not get started the way I had planned. My goal was to leave depression and feeling unmotivated in 2021, but both joined me in the new year. As I took a mental inventory of why I was feeling depressed and unmotivated this month, I realized being single still, past 9-5 work experiences, and entrepreneurship, more directly imposture syndrome, were the top things mentally affecting my mind. These areas of my life overwhelmingly made me feel not enough, small, alone, and invisible. It is depressing to enter yet another new year single AF. I would give anything to cuddle right now, receive a text from a man, go on a date and have sex. Listen, if horny was a person. Lol. Moreover, I miss a particular person a lot. I have constant pondering thoughts of why we could not work.
I often find myself staring in the mirror at my reflection, wondering what is so wrong with me. What do men not see in me? Why does the relationship or girlfriend title never happen for me? Why am I never enough? Looking in the mirror, I had to get gut-level honest and real with myself and admit men and work have caused me to change my views about myself. At 30 plus, I no longer feel good enough for any man. Nor do I believe I am a leader in my career field or will be successful at content creation. I hate that this has become my life, my reality mentally. My actions operate under this thought process. Looking at myself in the mirror, I knew I needed to heal and take my mind back. My mind was holding me back…holding me back from living life to its fullest.
At the end of every year and the beginning of a new year, we are overloaded with tips on creating the best vision board to have our best year yet. Over the years, I have felt I needed a vision board to help get my life together and chase my dreams. But being honest with myself, I had to accept I was not a big fan of vision boards. After trying various types of vision boards over the years, none have helped me long-term stay motivated to reach my goals. Or I found myself overwhelmed with all the pictures and words on the vision board that I did not know where to start with achieving my goals. So I reverted to my unhealthy mindset habits. This month I decided I am not watching any videos on YouTube about vision boards, nor was I looking at any Instagram posts about them. I needed to figure out what I needed to heal my mind.
The process of beginning to heal my mind happened in two parts. First, self-reflection, and second, creating my vision board alternative as I am calling it. Before you can start putting out in the universe the man/woman/relationship you want, you must have a well-built inner first. Your inner creates the energy for what you will attract and release in the outside world. I want you to take the time to self-reflect. Think about those experiences you have tried to forget about and the negative situations that have happened to you where you have mentally tried to downplay that moment’s effect on you. Being 100% honest with yourself, answer this question: how does being single genuinely make you feel? Maybe (examples) you think you are not pretty, not girlfriend/wife material, you will only ever be a side chick, you will never be more than sex to man, a relationship will never work for you because relationships do not work for women in your family, you are too dark, you are too fat, etc.
My answer is not enough. I needed to restore in myself that I am enough. I Am Enough! An I am statement became the solution to fixing my mindset about myself. I am statements are very powerful. I am statements are positive affirmation statements about yourself and your life. The statements affect your mind and help motivate you to behave in ways that align with your purpose and goals. The statements also remind you of who the f**k you are! One of my favorite quotes about I am statements is: I Am: Two Of The Most Powerful Words, For What You Put After Them Shapes Your Reality by Bevan Lee. I am enough has become my theme for 2022 and beyond.
You have learned many lessons during your childhood, college years, and from family members, yet there has not been enough emphasis on the power of your mind. You can have all the pictures and words you want on a vision board. Yet, if your mind is not consistently in a place of believing, having faith, and manifestation, you are not adequately internalizing your vision board. Nor are your actions aligned with your vision board because your mind is operating from a framework of self-doubt. Yes, you can want and think that you deserve a healthy and trustworthy romantic relationship. However, if your mind, whether directly or indirectly, is telling you otherwise, your daily actions reflect the latter. Your mind guides your actions taken (or not taken because some of us know we need to leave him/her), resulting in getting into the wrong relationships. Everything starts with your mind. You manifest what you believe and not what you want.
Somewhere along your single journey, you lost yourself. You forgot who you are. You allowed other opinions of you to become your own. Whether in conversation with others, on social media, or your discussions and thoughts with yourself, you have relived the terrible, uncomfortable, sad, and disrespectful actions done to you by a man, men, and romantic relationships time and time again. Those experiences have shaped or reshaped your opinion about yourself, whether you realize it. Those toxic experiences were planted on you, grew in your mind, and are now in control of your thoughts and actions. How, you might ask? Some of us repeat the same destructive relationship cycles and habits.
An example would be staying with a person who is not treating you with the utmost respect. You no longer know how to trust because you have been hurt before. After you have sex, you feel a void or emptiness within yourself. Or maybe you go from relationship to relationship because you are afraid to heal and be alone.
Additionally, unhealthy romantic experiences could have even reinforced a negative memory from your childhood of a person, place, or thing, making you feel less than the Queen you are. Somewhere along your life, you begin to value love, company, and sex from another person over loving yourself first.
Now that you know how being single honestly makes you feel, I want you to flip your negative thought(s) into a positive I am statement. There are some examples: I am pretty, I am a girlfriend, I am will be a wife (a good wife), I am not crazy, I am no longer a side chick, I am more than sex, I am wonderfully made, I am not repeating negative family cycles, I am not my past mistakes, and I am breaking generation cursing. Allow your I am statement to become your theme for this year. Begin to reaffirm to yourself that you are your I am statement no matter what previous relationships and life, in general, have thrown at you. Take your power back. Take your life back. Get your self-esteem back.
Using my I am statement, I have created an alternative to a vision board using the home and lock screens on my cell phone. The reason I decided on a home and lock screensaver was I asked myself what is something I have to use every day regardless of whether I am in a rush, busy, or depressed. The answer was my phone. As much as I sometimes have a love-hate relationship with my cell phone, it is literally probably the only thing I use every day. I did not want to click on an app to use this mindset tool. Being a Black girl who is mentally unstable at times, I need things to be simple, or else I will not use the healing tool. This led me to my wallpaper (home screen) and lock screen screensaver. It is always right there without you having to do anything. Every time I pick up my phone, I am reminded that I am enough.
Additionally, your phone goes everywhere with you. I am sure many of us use our phones multiple times each day. Situations that affect your mindset or mental health as a single woman do not just happen when you are home or at the office, so this vision board alternative meets you wherever you are mentally, emotionally, and physically. Your home and lock screensaver is a country, state, city, no-wifi, and time-zone friendly healing tool, meaning it is accessible from everywhere. Ok! With a minimal effort of only looking at your lock screen, you are strengthening your mindset and, ultimately, your life. I am sharing the steps I used to create my I am screensaver. You can use this as your vision board if vision boards have not been working for you or as a supplement to your vision board. As I always say, this is YOUR healing journey. Tailor it as you see fit.
Using an app called Canva, I created my home and lock screensaver. Canva is a free online website and app design tool. However, you can use whatever app or website you choose. There are the steps I used, but again please tailor these steps to meet your healing needs.
1. Chose your I am statement
TIP: If you have to cry during this process, cry. It is ok to cry. Your breakdown is your breakthrough. It is time to choose your healing over your pain.
2. Stop and pray about your I am statement. You want to initiate a strong bond with your I am statement. Moreover, give all thanks and glory to God for him helping you re-realize or realize for the first your undoubtedly your I am statement.
TIP: If prayer is not your thing, my alternative suggestions to initiate a strong bond with your I am statement are to meditate or journal (write). If you do not believe in God, pray to whatever higher power/spirit you believe in. If you have not talked to God in a long time, here is your chance to reconnect with him. I had to learn and am still learning to be honest that although I may disagree with the single journey God has me on, he has never left me. He has not left you either.
3. Whether in a mirror or using the camera on your phone, look at yourself and repeat your I am statement. Repeat it as many times as you need to. Say it out loud.
4. Research the dimensions of your phone screen.
5. Insert the dimensions into Canva to create a home/lock screensaver that is exact/the proper size for your cell phone.
6. I would suggest starting with a blank canvas because you want this design to be all about you and your mindset healing.
TIP: Your design does not have to be perfect or super intricate. It only must help you by consistently reinforcing your I am statement.
7. Choose a color for your screensaver.
TIP: I would suggest picking a color that brings you happiness, peace, motivation for your future, good energy, good vibes, and reinforces your I am statement. If you are not catching the theme here, everything you do with this screensaver should be all about improving your mindset. If anything you are doing with the design is not doing that, ditch the idea immediately. You want to be intentional.
8. Place your I am statement on the design wherever you see fit.
TIP: The font and color should again reinforce your I am statement/mindset shift. For example, my thought process for my font and color was bold letters and the color brown. My career journey has made me take on the negative label about myself that I am an angry Black woman because I chose to speak up. I am not angry. I am passionate. My voice as a Black woman has power in this world and is needed. My voice is enough.
9. Add any additional design elements you believe your screensaver needs if desired.
As an example, I added two sentences under my I am statement. The two sentences serve as reinforcements to my mindset shift. The sentences are reminders that my past no longer has control over me. You have to retrain your mind to know that every man who has said an unnecessary negative comment about you or action towards you no longer has control over you and your life. You no longer own that negative comment or experience. Nor will you own any future thoughts that go against your I am statement because you are the owner of your thoughts and actions.
The healing journey will not always be good days or moments. There will be situations or possibly future encounters with men that create an opportunity for your previous mindset to come back. You want to be prepared for these situations mentally. It is better to be proactive instead of reactive. My sentences help to further my healing process by giving me the extra boost I need to continue my healing journey on those days when my old mindset tries to step back in. Allow your I am statement screensaver to make your healing journey personal.
I am also reading Until Today! Daily Devotions For Spiritual Growth and Peace of Mind by Iyanla Vanzant. This devotional book has been beneficial in reaffirming that I have the power to reshape my mindset and future. The second sentence is directly from the book.
I added my business names at the bottom because it reminds me of my why. If I want to have two successful brands, I must learn that I am enough. I will have successfully reached my entrepreneurship goals when I am sitting at my desk in my office in my new townhome, similar to the picture. The picture symbolizes what the power of healing and a mindset shift can do. I added prayer hands in my design because none of my mindset changes, and healing is possible without God. I strive to have a better/more substantial relationship with God. As well as trust in him. As a single Black woman to another single Black woman (or woman in general), he did not bring us this far to leave us, Queen. I promise. He has not forgotten about you.
Maybe you want to add a quote, a lyric from a song, your favorite scripture, or have several I am statements. Perhaps you will not add any additional lines or pictures. It is all up to you. Remember to try not to get to lost in the design and forget what the purpose of the screensaver is. You do not have to make your healing journey pretty or acceptable to others. This is your healing journey.
Here is an example of my screensaver. I apologize that the image is not coming up clear on the blog, so click here to view a better picture.
My home and lock screen has given my phone a new vibe and energy. It is such a breath of fresh air. I love looking at and opening up my phone now. The screensaver reaffirms my commitment to heal and become a better me. I am internalizing and having my actions reflect that I am enough!
Please use these steps and tips as a guide/ framework. Create a home/lock screensaver that every time you pick up your phone, your mind, body, and soul receive healing and restoration. Focusing on your self-care, self-love, self-esteem, and self-worth is putting in the hard work to lead you to your Mr. Right.
If you are interested in using my template for your phone or want to use my template as a starting point for your design, click here. It is a free template. This design is sized for iPhone 12 Pro Max. If you do not have this phone, Canva does have a resize option to change the sizing of a design, but that is a paid (Pro) feature. If you are interested in Canva Pro, click here.
Share your I am statement screensaver with me on Twitter by tagging me and using the #IAmScreensaver. Give me a follow as well. Or, if you want to keep your screensaver private, share with me via DM on Twitter. Share this blog on social media and with other women. Visibly heal Queen.
P.s. As you go throughout the new year, make sure to stop and evaluate your I Am Statement screensaver. If it is no longer helping you shift your mindset, change the design, the I am statement or ditch it altogether. Do not keep using any healing tool if it is no longer working for you. Keep trying different tools until you find what best helps you truly heal your inside. Together 2022 is going to be a year of healing. I honor you, Queen!
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